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Thoughts about the week.

July 22, 2006

It’s so difficult to find out such news about your loved one. I thought a nine hour op was bad enough, but it’s worse than we had imagined. No one said this was a possibility: of course we assumed the worst was over when she woke up after the op (that the operation itself was high risk was already made clear to us). Instead they waited till the next day to tell us they had been mistaken about the Stage 0 or Stage 1 (which would have been cured by the op) and that she was in fact suffering from “Advanced Stage” cancer. To put it simply, they opened her up, couldn’t do anything and then sewed her back up. I’m having difficulty coming to terms with that.

And now, my Grandma is in pain (from the op), will be in even more pain (from the cancer), and is still going to die anyhow. The worst thing is, she still thinks that after going through all that starvation, being cut up and the painful road to recovery, she’s all well and good now. And we don’t know how to tell her (I thought dilemmas like these only happened in cliché old Taiwanese dramas).

It’s difficult to see the family, my mom especially, deal with the ordeal. I don’t know what I can do, or what anyone can do for that matter. It’s like, even if I’m out with my friends or looking for a job or doing something else un-hospital related, there’s always this thing weighing on the back of my mind. It’s like a very, very bad PMS, if you know what I mean.

I keep trying to hang around the hospital more, doing what’s possible in my own capabilities, which is basically limited to hanging out with whichever relative is there, bringing oranges from home, ferrying my mom there and buying Chicken Little balloons. I don’t think all that’s gonna be much help anyway. Besides, my Teochew (which is all my Grandma speaks) is really schlecht. Even though she often praises me about the clarity of my dialect, I don’t think I’m adept enough to interprete how the doctors are removing the epidural anesthetic from her back and stuff like that.

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