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What if…

August 6, 2006

The one thing you thought you wanted all this while may not be what you want after all?

It’s frightening.

I’ve finally been given the opportunity, but instead of rejoicing I’m troubled and hesitant. We all know the story: low pay, long hours, no life. But it’s passion, we claim. Maybe I’m pressured to take it up because I’ve been saying for years that this is what I want, and this is what my studies culminate in.

I’ve gotten used to fixating myself on a goal and working towards it, even if the goal is spawned out of dubious circumstances. In Sec One, someone asked me which junior college I wanted to go to. I knew nuts about colleges then but didn’t want to appear ignorant so I just said, “Victoria”. I don’t even remember the reason, but it probably has something to do with its name sounding nicer than the rest. Indeed, four years later I ended up at VJ, even if it was at the opposite end of the island.

I don’t remember when it was I set my heart on production, but sometimes I wonder if it could have been a lame-o reason as well.

I spent the last 23 years trying to prevent the rest of my life from following the typical (read: boring) path: a future in the corporate world, working a 9 to 5 deskbound job. But suddenly, regular hours, higher salary, potential for promotion, and even powersuits seem that much more appealing.

And it’s not like I don’t have a shot at that. Except that, if I give it up now I may never have another chance.

Yes, it’s cool to say pay doesn’t matter and it’s more important to do what you love and yadda yadda. But we all know I’m not exactly low maintenance, so it’s a major trade-off for me. Besides, I’m sure I’ll like what I do, but at the expense of sleep, money, friends and a life? Begs some serious reconsideration.

I’m scared.

Because I worked with a DOP who’s fifty, unmarried and hasn’t had a vacation for forty years. And he, rather regretfully, told me his only friends are his crew. I wonder if I’m capable of making that kind of sacrifices.

Because some of my peers have already forgone this path. And these are people who are admittedly superior to me in both aptitude and passion. So who am I to think I can, or think that my lesser passion will actually see me through?

And because after four years in my course and I still am not entirely sure if I have the aptitude for it. Now I think, perhaps I’ve even conjured up that so-called “passion” bit? Maybe I’m just unwilling to let go of a stubborn old dream.

So the choice boils down to this:

A) Interest at the expense of money, future growth potential, personal time and a life.

B) Less interesting but with more potential for moving up the corporate ladder, networking and higher pay.

My sis, younger and more idealistic of course, would take up choice A) in a heartbeat. The reason is simple, she just does what she wants to do.

I wish I were more certain.

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